[whataretheysaying] Mary Madigan: After 9/11

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Posted by Mary Madigan:
After 9/11
http://whataretheysaying.powerblogs.com/posts/1158003666.shtml


   [1]Dean's World, [2]Kesher Talk, [3]Winds of Change, [4]Alarming News,
   [5]/PJ Media and many other sites on my blogroll discuss 9/11.

   Here, [6]Dean says his pain is gone but his resolve is still there.
   Others, including Steven Den Beste, describe a combination of rage,
   resolve and a need to defend loved ones. Pain and resolve often seem
   to be tied up with rage.

   My first reaction to 9/11 was shock. The second, to call everyone I
   knew who could have been involved, to see if they were ok. They were.
   Then, there was the need to help the many people who (I assumed) would
   be injured. I was hundreds of miles away from New York City then,
   living in Cape May. Like many people, I called the Red Cross offering
   to give blood. I couldn't donate the blood because I'd spent years in
   Europe - they were afraid I could be one of those mad cow virus
   sufferers - but so much blood was donated, there was an oversupply.

   In those days I thought New York and probably all of America would be
   vulnerable to more terrorist attacks, so I went to the library and
   took out books about the London Blitz. Rudy Giuliani's and the press
   did numerous stories about the heroism and comradarie of the NYFD, the
   police, and the New Yorkers who volunteered to help at the WTC site.
   In those days, I knew that rage had to be suppressed. We had to
   resolve to help, to join together, to keep rage from dividing us in
   this time of need.

   I suppressed any rage I felt the usual way, by being busy. I turned
   housecleaning into a near-obsession, which my kids will note, is very
   unusual. I dusted the ceiling fans and cleaned under the refrigerator.
   Despite agnosticism, I started going to church, bringing batches of
   cookies and food for after service meals and potlucks. I donated to
   every 9/11 fund that came my way, and made a special point of eating
   at Muslim-run restaurants, fearing that the community would shun them.
   In fact, those restaurants were more crowded than ever.

   Before 9/11, I had been looking forward to planning a trip to Egypt.
   My husband had raised worries about terrorism, which I'd pooh-poohed.
   Afterwards, I changed my mind.

   I was also working on a novel about the rise and fall of a
   mobster-funded dot-com, with one last chapter to go. After 9/11, it
   just seemed so dated. Between fan-cleaning and baking to much, I tried
   to revise it, to make some changes to the characters. They were
   self-centered, sex-obsessed, and not very caring or generous. In my
   new helpful mode, I decided to rewrite it.

   I softened the attitude of one character, turning him from a
   knife-wielding mobster to a well-meaning fireman-in-training who got
   caught up with a bad crowd of knife weilding mobsters. In the middle
   of making a potluck salad one morning after the kids left for school,
   I thought about a scene from the book, where a thug had to throw a
   knife. I wondered - how do you throw a knife?

   I took the paring knife I was using and flipped it at our 'Things to
   do' bulletin board. It bounced back and cut my arm.

   I wasn't visualizing the scene very well. I picked the knife up again,
   wrapped my arm with a dish towel and sort of aimed it at the bulletin
   board, the way you'd throw a dart. It didn't bounce back this time,
   but it barely stuck. Weak throw.

   I tried again, and again, using more strength until the knife cut
   through the bulletin board. I pulled the board away from the wall, so
   as not to damage it, and got a bigger knife. I practiced for strength
   and accuracy for a long time, and didn't stop until I couldn't raise
   my arm anymore.

   The bulletin board was shot and there was still blood on the floor. I
   had to clean that up and get a new board before the kids came home.

   I also had to admit that I was angry, and the usual methods weren't
   going to make it go away. In some situations, grief and the urge to
   help are caught up inexorably with rage and the urge to defend. We
   tried to separate them for a while, but we couldn't. Maybe that's just
   the way we're wired.

   ..and I'm a better dart player now...

References

   1. http://www.deanesmay.com/
   2. http://www.keshertalk.com/
   3. http://windsofchange.net/
   4. http://alarmingnews.com/
   5. http://pajamasmedia.com/
   6. http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1157912466.shtml