[donaldscrankshaw] Donald: Ally McBeal Syndrome Part II

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Posted by Donald:
Ally McBeal Syndrome Part II
http://www.donaldscrankshaw.com/posts/1159411651.shtml


   A woman finally [1]responded to all the complaining guys e-mailing the
   Corner the other day, and said simply that the complaints go both
   ways:

     Men are getting off the hook way to easy; lots of the flaws that
     have been pointed out in the character of single women are just as
     easily applied to the single men out there. The truth of the matter
     is men and women in my age group have grown up in a very confused
     time where men and women's roles and expectations are not clearly
     defined. From what I read in the Corner, we have the feminist
     movement to thank. In fact I can confidently say that 5 men I have
     dated steadily/seriously (6 mos or longer) have flat out told me
     they don't ever plan to get married. Oh, with the exception of the
     guy who said he wouldn't get married until he was 40 at least, then
     only to someone much younger because he of course wants children.

   There's another article on National Review's website which goes a bit
   more into this aspect of it, explaining what the [2]Marriage
   Conspiracy is all about:

     Having been through a painful divorce myself, I agree with
     Armstrong that thereâs something terribly wrong with our marriage
     culture. There is a conspiracy of sorts â but itâs not the one
     Armstrong suggests. She is certainly right that people donât know
     what to expect when they marry. And society does encourage newly
     engaged women to focus on their wedding day and honeymoon rather
     than on marriage itself. Where Armstrongâs article falls short,
     however, is in how she defines the conspiracy.

                                   [...]

     The real conspiracy â though I donât believe the neglect is
     sinister, and thus perhaps âconspiracyâ isnât the word â is the
     silence about how hard marriage is. Not only does being married
     involve sacrifice that is sometimes overwhelming; it is also not,
     as we are taught, about being in love. Itâs much more about
     practicality and usefulness than we wish it were.
     Armstrong is wise to point out that women spend far too much time
     planning elaborate weddings and honeymoons. But rather than offer
     women concrete advice for what they should really be focusing on,
     she simply warns them about not giving up too much of themselves.
     This isnât enough â for many women, itâs not even relevant, since
     they may not be pleasers by nature, as Armstrong apparently is, or
     was. What women should be doing during their engagements, instead
     of planning big parties, is talking with their fiancés about
     money, children, religion, sex, work, and the expectations they
     have of one another with respect to the division of labor in the
     household. As for the mental preparation, the single most important
     thing to understand is that love is not enough.

                                   [...]

     Modern women understand that marriage involves making sacrifices;
     they just donât want to make them. They have a keen awareness that,
     as wives, theyâre supposed to take care of their own needs
     throughout the journey. And lest they forget, they have plenty of
     womenâs magazines to remind them. What may indeed be revelatory for
     todayâs women is that theyâre not the only individuals who make
     sacrifices in marriage. Men do as well.
     Trying to find the right balance between giving to others and
     giving to ourselves is a tough thing. Many men have dreams of their
     own that are either put on the back burner or completely forgotten
     because of their responsibility to provide for their families. Take
     my husband, for instance. He is a writer, just as I am. Yet he
     cannot pursue his passion, because it is not generally the type of
     work that supports a family. I do not have this same burden. As a
     wife and full-time mother of two, I am able to pursue a writing
     career precisely because of my husbandâs sacrifices. It is his
     financial contribution from a job that is not his first choice that
     allows me to do what I want with my life. Why do sacrifices like
     his so often go unexamined?
     We would do better as a society to discuss the sacrifices involved
     in marriage on the part of both men and women. I agree that women
     are more susceptible to losing themselves in marriage due to their
     inherently giving nature. To warn against this is fine. But to
     belabor this point does a disservice to young women. Men could
     complain if they wanted to, but they donât. Perhaps thereâs
     something we can learn from their silence.

   There's more, and it's worth reading. Obviously, overly high
   expectations aren't the only problem.

References

   1. http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=ZjQ4NTY3N2RlYzVlNDkyZjlkZmU0YTUzYjE0MTk0OTQ=
   2. http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=Mjc1MGE1MmZmZTFhNWY0YTk3ZjQ3YzcwZjIyMGUyMjQ=