[donaldscrankshaw] Donald: The Ally McBeal Syndrome

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Posted by Donald:
The Ally McBeal Syndrome
http://www.donaldscrankshaw.com/posts/1159333129.shtml


   There's a discussion going on about the Ally McBeal Syndrome at the
   Corner. It started with [1]this post by John Derbyshire:

     Just had a conversation with a friend whose office assistant (in NY
     City) is female, 34 years old, smart, straight, and quite
     strikingly good-looking. I asked him why she isn't married. He:
     "She says she can't find a man. There are no men, she says." Me:
     "In New York City? Come on." He: "That's what she says. 'There are
     no men.' My daughter's the same. [His daughter is 35.] No men,
     there are no men to marry."
     [Derb] What's going on here? Isn't half the population men? No
     wonder our demography is cratering.

   Now obviously this isn't literally true. There are men in New York,
   after all. I know some single guys there who are actively
   seeking--young, well-educated, and reasonably attractive (admittedly,
   I'm not really qualified to judge this aspect well). This makes me
   wonder if perhaps these women don't suffer from a lack of men so much
   as an excess of expectations. Most of the men who e-mailed the Corner
   seem to agree, [2]some more impolitic than others. [3]This one,
   though, happened to strike a chord with me:

     I suspect that when the smart, attractive 34-year-old woman says 'I
     can't find a man' she means she can't find a man who is up to her
     standards. I also suspect those standards are pretty high. Just
     check out some of the profiles on yahoo.com to see what I'm talking
     about.
     I started looking through those a few years ago after my wife died
     and I couldn't believe the exacting specifications most of these
     women had for a mate. I was excluded from at least 75 percent of
     them just by the height requirement. I'm [unimpressive height] and
     5'9" seemed to be the minimum. I soon figured out that finding a
     woman willing to marry a [fifty-plus]-year-old man with an adopted
     [preteen]-year-old granddaughter was going to be an exercise in
     futility if I went the domestic route.

   I'm not fifty-plus, and I don't have a granddaughter, adopted or not,
   but I am short--an unimpressive 5'4". I've also been losing my hair
   since I was twenty-five, and I'm slightly overweight. So physically,
   I'm no great shakes. I'm politically conservative too, which wouldn't
   necessarily be a disadvantage if I didn't live in Boston. But other
   than that, I think I'm a pretty good catch. I'm smart enough. I have a
   PhD in Electrical Engineering from MIT, which sounds impressive until
   you realize that PhDs are a dime a dozen in Boston. I have a good job
   which pays well, and while it's intense in spurts, I'm not a
   workaholic. I'm also a writer who, while not yet published, is pretty
   confident he'll get there, so my intelligence is not pure mathematics.
   While fairly introverted, I've learned to be outgoing when I have to.
   I'm considerate and concerned about others, if a bit absentminded, and
   I'll go considerable distances for my friends. I'm a theologically
   sound Evangelical Christian, knowledgeable and articulate about what I
   believe and why, and serious about serving God and others. Which
   should, in theory, be a big plus in certain environments.
   I have some good female friends, whom I get along with well, but as
   far as I can tell, none of them have looked at me twice. It's possible
   I'm missing some subtle signals, but as I'm pretty good at recognizing
   interest when it's directed at other guys, it would have to be pretty
   subtle. (Or, I suppose, I could just be blind when it's directed my
   way.)
   Now, that said, I haven't tried that hard either... or more precisely,
   I haven't been prolific with my interest. Some guys will hit on any
   girl they meet, then when rejected move on to the next person before
   the night is out. Me, I have to get to know someone and then carefully
   consider whether we're compatible before I ask her out. I'm not saying
   I'm in love by this point or anything, just that I've decided it's
   worth a try. It's disappointing when the woman doesn't agree, but I
   can handle it and move on. I'm not asking a new woman out every week,
   however.
   This leaves me to wonder whether the women are the only ones with
   expectations which are too high. If I take so long to decide that
   someone is a possible match, am I missing other opportunities along
   the way? Might I have set my sights too high? After all, if we both
   set such impossible standards, what are the chances that you'll meet
   the standards of the person who actually manages to meet yours?
   I'm cautious about lowering my standards, though. Both my sisters are
   now divorced, and I'm determined not to do the same. But the things
   that lead to a happy marriage are not necessarily the same things we
   set up as standards for a mate. It's important to be able to tell the
   difference.

References

   1. http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=NDczZTQwNGNjMGZhYTgxOWE3ODc4M2YyZTNlYmFlYmY=
   2. http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=NWUyYmY2MTU5NTNmYjkwY2MyOWFkODhjMDIzOWNlOWY=
   3. http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=NTBlNzAyMjkwZWM2M2VhOTQ5YTA5MzQzMDJhMGEzYTc=