[Dean's World] Naftali: A Letter to My Younger Brother

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Posted by Naftali:
A Letter to My Younger Brother
http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1199417186.shtml


   Dear [younger brother],

   I want to be clear about what I am trying to accomplish by writing you
   this letter, and what I am not trying to accomplish by writing it.

   I am trying to convince you that my position and advise on how to find
   a wife is correct.

   I am not trying to persuade you to follow my advice.

   That I feel you must come to on your own.

   (The follow up letter responding to his interest was more practical in
   nature. Also, this letter has been edited.)

   There are several attitudes a person can have regarding getting
   married at any given time:

   1. I am not ready, even if I find the right person.

   2. I will be ready when I find the right person.

   3. I am ready, so let me set about finding the right person.

   My argument is that any person who takes position #2 should
   immediately take on, instead, position #3.

   The reason is simple: a person is more likely to do something right
   when he does it intentionally.

   If you will first figure out which qualities are characteristic of a
   good wife, and then set out looking for a woman that meets those
   criteria, you will be far more likely to fall in love and marry a good
   wife than you will be if you just hit the dating scene without
   purpose, forethought and planning.

   Because when one dates without purpose, he looks for different things
   than he looks for when he dates to marry:

   While, when looking to marry, a sensible man will pay little (serious)
   attention to the high heeled halter topped woman in the local coffee
   house or the wild drunk chick at the company party, a sensible man who
   is only dating might pay these woman significant attention.

   Or--a less crass but more dangerous example--a sensible man only
   dating may be looking for more than a fleeting, meaningless
   relationship; he may be looking for companionship--a girlfriend. Now
   what makes a fun girl friend does not necessarily make a good wife,
   and, conversely, what makes a good wife does not necessarily make a
   fun girlfriend: a fun girlfriend need not want children; a good wife
   must; a fun girl friend can think maintaining a house is beneath her;
   a good wife must not. a fun girlfriend can love clubbing with her
   girlfriends; a good wife must not (trust me). A militant feminist
   might make a fun girl friend; she would make a horrible wife. A
   pot-head, dead-head might make a fun girl friend; she would make a
   miserable wife.

   Here is the problem: often a person falls in love with his girlfriend,
   and he sometimes even marries her. It is unlikely--if not utterly
   impossible--that a man will be as demanding of quality in a woman
   after falling in love with her than he would have been before he fell
   in love with her. And when you consider that this girl, with whom he
   has now fallen in love and decided to marry, very likely would not
   even have come up on his radar screen as a potential wife had he been
   looking for one to begin with, you will see that this marriage may
   well be a disaster waiting to happen.

   It seems, therefore, that a man who is ready to marry when he finds
   the right person should set out purposefully to make it happen. And he
   must not just let it happen, when it happens, in any which way it
   happens. Because when you don't make things happen rightly, they often
   happen wrongly. And this is especially true regarding matters of the
   heart.