[Dean's World] Celia Farber: Grace (part 1)

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Posted by Celia Farber:
Grace (part 1)
http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1196390123.shtml


   I had a little problem back in November when I started compulsively
   bidding on lamps at eBay. I had just discovered eBay and became
   instantly addicted to the sensations of of all, the escape, the way it
   makes everything stop hurting and it's all a dream. I started bidding
   maniacally. Every lamp was the lamp of my dreams. One of them had
   sailboats on it. One was a Victorian sconce. One was a Deco
   chandelier. One had pineapples engraved in the glass. One was the
   tackiest thing in the world. None of them seemed to cost anything
   much. So I started bidding. What's $9.99? What's $24.99?

   I never win anything, generally, so I was stunned when I started
   winning several of them. That only fueled my addiction, because eBay
   is so congratulatory and kind and nice. CONGRATULATIONS PIE-PIE, YOU
   WON!!

   My mother used to call me pie pie. None of these things are accidental
   or incidental. eBay is an opium den. The thing that really blew me
   away was when I got positive feedback. I paid for something, it
   arrived, I told the seller that I got it and liked it very much, and
   they started singing my praises on eBay. I don't really want to admit
   how many lamps I bid on, because I used the rent money for all these
   lamps. Jose hung them for me. And we got dimmers. The works. I can't
   get over the dimmers. I also bought a new sink on Craigslist. It is
   avocado green, ceramic, from the 50s, and belonged to somebody's
   grandmother. I had to hire another guy from Craigslist, Avi, to pick
   it up. I was five minutes late when he delivered it and he was very
   angry. I said I was sorry and asked him to leave it on the curb. He
   said it was too heavy for me. I told him I am stronger than I look. It
   was heavy as sin, but I got it upstairs by dragging it on a towel.
   "This way you can have your five minutes back," I told him.

   Nobody understands how sensitive I am about time. Time is my downfall,
   my great failure, the thing I can't handle anymore. I am late even
   when I am on time. Because people set their watches fast. 

   Because...I am always late. I met a guy at a party and we discussed
   this and he sent me an article saying people in workplaces get angrier
   at people who are late than at people who smell. He was on their side.

   Anyway.

   The last two lamps got lost, and then found, at the post office, and
   tonight, in a sad mood, I came to my front door with the two boxes
   stacked to my chin, clasping my keys, unable to unlock the door. It's
   two doors, actually. And an electronic key system. Lo and behold, a
   homeless man appeared, with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. "Let
   me help you!' he said, leaping into action. I let him help me open the
   first door. "Let's get the next one," he said. "I can't stand to see a
   woman struggling. I'm a gentleman, see."

   "Thank you," I shouted. "Thank you so much. You are a gentleman."

   Suddenly, I felt happier. The Christmas tree was blinking so brightly
   in the lobby. I reminded myself to drop the super a note, telling her
   how much I love the Christmas tree, every single time I come in from
   the cold.

   I think Jews who fight Christmas trees are crazy. Our super also put a
   paper menorah on the table. That doesn't make me feel the way the
   Christmas tree makes me feel. A Christmas tree looks like pure hope,
   to my eyes. At least one friend says I am conflicted about my Judaism.
   (Father Jewish, mother Christian.)

   I am not.

   I am conflicted about my tardiness. 

   Why am I telling you these things? Because I have decided to write
   about tiny tiny things, every day, until somebody makes me stop. I am
   convinced that everything matters. And you got to take notes, along
   the way.