[Dean's World] Dean: He Is Risen

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Posted by Dean:
He Is Risen
http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1173500996.shtml


   For some time now I have been struggling with Christianity.

   No, that would not be fair. It would be more fair to say that I have
   been struggling with Christianity for my entire life since the age of
   7 or 8. I'll be 41 this year so I guess that's more than a few years.

   Some of it is probably because of a religious upbringing that can only
   be described as schizophrenic: due to chaotic circumstances, I was
   raised in not one, not two, but three different versions of
   Christianity:

   1) Evangelical fundamentalism
   2) Mainline (Presbytrian) Protestantism
   3) Roman Catholicism

   Mormonism also played a role in it all, although I didn't realize it
   until I got much older. Most Esmays in the United States are Mormons.
   At least, most that I know of (and there aren't all that many Esmays
   out there). I found out in my late teens, due to an uncle I'd never
   met who wanted me to become a Mormon, that Mormonism runs deep in my
   family lineage.

   I have at various times in my life considered myself a Christian, a
   buddhist, a unitarian universalist, an atheist, an agnostic, and more
   besides.

   Christianity is the faith I always return to however.

   So even when I've been most hostile and angry, most rationalist and
   empiricist, I've always looked upon Christianity as the faith I most
   instinctively turn to. I have Jewish friends whom I cherish deeply. I
   have Muslim friends whom I cherish deeply. I have secular
   atheist/agnostic friends whom I cherish deeply. I even have friends
   who are members of pagan or New Age-y faiths whom I cherish.

   But let me make one thing clear: I did not grow up "ecumenical." I
   grew up very religiously conservative, but being badgered by people
   who told me that they knew what "the true faith" was who constantly
   disagreed with each other. So my resulting answer was not "you're all
   full of crap" or "you're all equally valid." Rather, it was "where is
   the truth here?"

   I have looked upon atheism fully in the face and found it wanting. I
   have recently decided that I am not an atheist. Atheists are people
   pretending they can explain the astonishing mystery of the universe's
   entire existence by mathematical equations. What an empty, shallow
   view of God, and of mathematics. Mathematics is an amazing tool that
   lets us understand God just a little better, and nothing more. If you
   do not understand the awesome power of mathematics, but also the
   limits and frustrations of it, then you understand neither mathematics
   nor God.

   And oh, what a surprise: mortals can never understand everything.

   To me, it is obvious that there is something more, there is something
   higher. It may be beyond our understanding, like a dog trying to
   understand Monday Night Football or All My Children. But there is
   something more.

   I have often been accused of "attacking Christianity." This is funny
   to me because I feel like I grew up Christian and often simply want to
   confront Christians about their own foolishness. In any case, I feel I
   am near the end of a very long journey which leads back to
   Christianity. I have decided to write a series of posts upon this.
   Which may help me more than you. But I think I'm going to go ahead and
   write it anyway.

   Stay tuned.