[Dean's World] Dean: Blogger's Lament

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Posted by Dean:
Blogger's Lament
http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1149580748.shtml


   (From the classic [1]Monty Python oevre):
   M: I'd like to have an argument, please.
   R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
   M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
   R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you
   thinking of taking a course?
   M: Well, what is the cost?
   R: Well, it's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight
   pounds for a course of ten.
   M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just
   the one and then see how it goes.
   R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment....Mr. DeBakey's
   free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard;
   room 12.
   M: Thank you.
   (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
   Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
   M: Well, I was told outside that...
   Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
   M: What?
   Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke,
   you vacuous, toffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
   M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
   Q: Oh, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
   M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
   Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
   M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
   Q: Not at all.
   M: Thank You.
   (Under his breath) Stupid [2]git!!
   (Walks down the corridor)
   M: (Knock)
   A: Come in.
   M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
   A: I told you once.
   M: No you haven't.
   A: Yes I have.
   M: When?
   A: Just now.
   M: No you didn't.
   A: Yes I did.
   M: You didn't
   A: I did!
   M: You didn't!
   A: I'm telling you I did!
   M: You did not!!
   A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or
   the full half hour?
   M: Oh, just the five minutes.
   A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
   M: You most certainly did not.
   A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
   M: No you did not.
   A: Yes I did.
   M: No you didn't.
   A: Yes I did.
   M: No you didn't.
   A: Yes I did.
   M: No you didn't.
   A: Yes I did.
   M: You didn't.
   A: Did.
   M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
   A: Yes it is.
   M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
   A: No it isn't.
   M: It is!
   A: It is not.
   M: Look, you just contradicted me.
   A: I did not.
   M: Oh you did!!
   A: No, no, no.
   M: You did just then.
   A: Nonsense!
   M: Oh, this is futile!
   A: No it isn't.
   M: I came here for a good argument.
   A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
   M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
   A: It can be.
   M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements
   intended to establish a proposition.
   A: No it isn't.
   M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
   A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
   M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
   A: Yes it is!
   M: No it isn't!
   A: Yes it is!
   M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the
   automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
   (short pause)
   A: No it isn't.
   M: It is.
   A: Not at all.
   M: Now look.
   A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
   M: What?
   A: That's it. Good morning.
   M: I was just getting interested.
   A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
   M: That was never five minutes!
   A: I'm afraid it was.
   M: It wasn't.
   Pause
   A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
   M: What?!
   A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another
   five minutes.
   M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
   A: (Hums)
   M: Look, this is ridiculous.
   A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
   M: Oh, all right.
   (pays money)
   A: Thank you.
   short pause
   M: Well?
   A: Well what?
   M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
   A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
   M: I just paid!
   A: No you didn't.
   M: I DID!
   A: No you didn't.
   M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
   A: Well, you didn't pay.
   M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!
   A: No you haven't.
   M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
   A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
   M: Oh I've had enough of this.
   A: No you haven't.
   M: Oh shut up!

References

   1. http://www.pythonline.com/
   2. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/git"